1,073 Miles

That is how far it is from my doorstep to this little man:

Bennett and his Teddy

Gosh how I miss him!

Dear Blogging World. Sorry I have been so distant. It’s not you. It’s me. And the fact that I have been insanely busy.

Now, to refresh our memories, last we left off I shocked the world and let everyone know that I am a Birth Mom. So we will get back and I am sure bits and pieces of my story will weave itself in and out of my postings. But for the moment I will bring you up-to-speed on what has gone on since Mother’s Day.

I was able to spend a great amount of time with my Adoptive Couple before coming up to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada to work over the summer. They had a Baby Shower for Bennett at the end of April and it was a blessing to be there. I was also able to invite several of my close friends of St. George, so it was a wonderful gathering. And the chocolate-covered-pretzels definitely didn’t hurt.

Oh. For the record, finals went well. I won’t even get in to the emotional distress my Wednesday evening class caused me.

Sorry, sorry. I am bouncing around everywhere. Let’s try this:

REWIND:

Ok. So I’m Jaylene. I’m a Canadian who is currently attending College in Utah. I switched from Nursing to Accounting, and it’s been wonderful. I found out I was pregnant August 2010 and gave birth to a long, skinny, perfect little boy on April 8, 2011. As I have mentioned, he is adopted by a wonderful couple, Jared & Amy. You will find that we have a very Open Adoption, and it is truly an amazing blessing in our lives.

I am now in Edmonton, Alberta, where I will be working over the summer to battle my horrific Student Loans (if only we could duke it out with lightsabers, it’d be a cinch). I will return to Utah in the fall to finish my Accounting program and I cannot wait to see that little Monster again. (His womb-name was Monster, so that is interchangeable with Bennett for future reference.)

A little bit more about Jared & Amy. They are a sensational couple and have been married for 13 years. They have no biological children of their own, but they will be adopting Bennett and they also have a 3.5 yr old that they have fostered for a year and are now able to adopt. So by the end of this year they will have not one son, but two! And I think that is just divine. Literally. It’s divine. Haha.

So ya. Let’s try this again. I was able to spend a lot of time with Jared & Amy and the boys before I started my long drive up to the land of Poutine and Maple Syrup. I was able to split up the trip over the course of a few days and spend some time with friends along the way, so it was great. And Heavenly Father blessed me with overcast skies and cool temperatures because He knows I don’t have Air Conditioning in my car and driving for 11 hours with no A/C would have been the death of me.

I arrived in Edmonton last Thursday and it’s been…different. In my life I have done a lot of traveling, and this is the first time I have returned to somewhere that I have already left. So I feel as though I am moving backwards, even though my life is still progressing forwards. It’s the Twilight Zone really, I’m back in my old city, with my old job and old co-workers, hanging out with old friends, using my old phone with the same number, it’s like the last year and a half never happened. And then it kicks in, ‘Oh yeah, I had a baby and I go to school in Utah.’ Haha. Oh well. It is what it is.

And this summer will be GREAT! I won’t lie though, I am very torn. I am so excited to be back in Edmonton in the YSA scene and catching up with old friends (and family, hopefully, Saskatchewan get ready!) and all that fun stuff, but I do miss Bennett. How can you NOT miss that face?! It is hard to know that he is doing cute little baby things, each day getting bigger and stronger and I am missing those moments. But I still have an uber-strong testimony that Adoption was the right decision for Bennett and me. We have an eternal bond and I will be able to snuggle the heck out of that boy when I go back to Utah in August.

So yes. This first week back in Edmonton was great. I have been able to meet some great new people and spend time with my favourite old people. Fine, fine, old friends. Whatever. Work was good, I am back in my groove and it should be a nice fit for the summer months. My housing situation is good. I went to Superstore a few days ago to buy all these wonderful groceries for meals Michelle (roommate) and I are planning…aaaaaaaaand…we have yet to cook anything. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. No promises people.

And today is also a pretty special day because I will be posting the link to this blog on my F’book Page, so A LOT of people who don’t know about Bennett will have the opportunity to read about him for the first time. So that is intensely terrifying. And also very exciting.

For my dear friends who feel as though they have been left in the dark for 10 months: You have. I’m sorry, but that was the way the cookie crumbled. I was in Utah and it was a very sensitive situation and I felt the need to handle things on my own. Don’t worry; I did have support from a very select few. If you feel you should have been in that group and were not included, please don’t be offended. I didn’t tell my own MOTHER until I was 8 months pregnant. So. It wasn’t just you. It was everyone. Heavenly Father was kind enough to put secret-angel-agents in my life and He was with me every step of the way, so I had a wonderful pregnancy and birth and the whole experience has been a miracle.

I look forward to sharing my experience up to this point as well as anything onwards with those I love as well as anyone who trips upon this blog. It will be a great time and I am so very thankful for the experiences that I have been given. So for now, I am safe in Edmonton, I am a Birth Mom, and here are some pictures from my last few weeks in Utah. Everyone have an amazing weekend (here in Canada it’s Victoria Day long-weekend! Yay!) and as always, if you have any comments or questions, I would love to hear them.

‘Lene

My Girls at Bennett's Shower (April, myself, Bennett, Annie, Robyn)

Snoozing at the Shower

Bennett Jayce

1 Month

How does something go from this
(April 8, 2011)

To this?
(May 8, 2011)

Well. A lot of bottles and infinite amounts of love.

This Mother’s Day I would like to share something very personal with the blogging world: I am a Birth Mom. That handsome man is my son Bennett.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Umm…didn’t you just celebrate your 4-year-anniversary for your baptism?” Yes, yes I did. Something important to note about me: I am nowhere near perfect and have made some lousy mistakes in my life.

But I have also had the opportunity to see Heavenly Father take any situation and use it for his purposes and create blessings out of heartache. And I have been stretched and grown to become something so much greater than I could have ever imagined.

So. Discovering you are pregnant while single and in a foreign country = no beuno.

(That’s right… Important Thing to Note #2: I am a Canadian currently attending college in the States.)

Trying to figure out what to do in that situation = no beuno times infinity.

Luckily there is help. I was able to contact the LDS Family Services office in my area and arranged to speak with a counselor about my options. Her name was Stacy and she is PHENOMINAL! I was instantly put at-ease and could easily open up to her about all areas of my complicated life.

I walked in to her office already planning on Adoption. In fact, I had contacted a family the weekend I found out I was pregnant. So I went in there with my mind set. Now, don’t get me wrong.  Stacy loves Adoption and in her position she is able to see the wonderful miracle it can be in peoples’ lives. But it is also her responsibility to inform mothers about all of their options so that they are able to make an educated decision about their future.

She and I had great conversations. But I was dealing with a lot. I had heartache as well as my future and my baby’s future to think about. So it definitely took some time to recover. But I never wavered from my original decision to place. (Important Thing to Note #3: Proper Adoption Lingo, we “place” children, we do not “give them up.” We can talk more about that later.) With Stacy’s help and a lot of prayer I discovered my own testimony about Adoption and how it was the right decision for me.

I can tell you that when I first discovered I was pregnant, I couldn’t even manage a shriek. I just stared at that fateful little “+” while my mind raced. I felt that this was the consequences to my bad decisions and that it was my responsibility to abandon my dreams and care for this child. But I quickly came to the realization that it was my responsibility to do what was best for this child. To put aside what I wanted or what would be easiest, and do all I could to give this child the best life possible. And as painful as it is to realize, my baby would not have the best life I could provide by having me raise him.

I will make a great mother. When it is my time. But I didn’t feel it was fair to quit school, find a dead-end job, and have my child stuck in a Day Care while I worked to make enough money to support our little family. It was critical for me to have my child in a two-parent household, with a couple that was sealed in the temple, with stability and that was prepared for children. And I found that in my couple, Jared & Amy.

As I mentioned previously, I contacted them shortly after I found out I was pregnant. It was via email, just a simple little “hello.” (If that is possible…? Haha. “Hello. I happen to be pregnant and you are looking for children…” Just kidding, it wasn’t quite like that.) Anyway. The three of us communicated via e-mail back and forth for a few months before meeting in the fall. I was worried to meet them, nervous; it felt as though I had to make a good impression! But they were wonderful and as Jared has said before, “it just felt right.” I officially asked them to be my Adoptive Couple that weekend in the fall and we continued to e-mail, text, phone call, and visit for the next 8 months.

They are wonderful. I cannot tell you what a special bond we have. I truly know that they have love for the baby I was carrying, but they are also concerned about me and my goals and future. I have joked repeatedly that my baby and I were a 2-for-1 deal so they have essentially adopted both of us.

As for pregnancy, labour and delivery, we can discuss that another day.  But for now I wanted to share that little tid-bit and do a special shout-out to Moms.

To My Mom: You are an amazing woman. We haven’t always been close, but I feel that we are headed there as I get older and I am so excited (notice how I am getting older, you don’t age!). You are a special combination of love and laughter and I am thrilled that I have inherited that from you.

To My Mormon Moms: There are a few of you out there, and you know who you are. Thank you for your truly special, divine examples of motherhood, womanhood, and righteous choices. Thank you for being there for me when distance has separated me and my momma. Thank you for the words of encouragement, hugs full of love, and Kleenexes full of snot and tears. Distance may come between us, but our hearts are tied together.

And To Amy, Adoptive Mom to My Bennett: I love you more than I can ever express. And I think you know that. I am so grateful to have found you and to be a part of this miraculous journey. You have taught me more than you realize and I appreciate you and Jared opening up your home and hearts not only to my son, but to me as well. I know that you will never let me down, I have seen your mothering-in-action and you are incredible. And I know that you will continue to honor me as a Birth Mother and that means more to me than I can say. My heart speaks to yours. Happy Mother’s Day, this is one of many, many more.

For any of you who have ties to Adoption, feel free to post comments about it. I would love to be able to share them with others who may roam this blog. If you have any questions or concerns you would like to contact me about in person, please e-mail me at jaylene.jade.claire@gmail.com I would love to be of assistance, share words of encouragement, or lend a listening ear to anyone in need.

If you are pregnant and are unsure of what to do, please contact LDS Family Services in your area. They offer free counseling and will discuss all of your options with you. You can also visit www.itsaboutlove.org for more information and to hear stories of other Birth Moms 

(I actually know Tamra and Colleen, they are INCREDIBLE!)

To all the Moms out there, and Future Moms, and of course Birth Moms, thank you for your love, sacrifice, and all that you do.